I thought I’d had grief down to a T. I experienced two big losses within the space of 6 months before. I thought I’d be ready for the next one. Turns out you’re never ever ready to lose someone you love. Especially when it’s completely unexpected.
I’ve been left wondering which form of grief is more difficult to process. The kind where you’re expecting the loss because of sickness, old age or other factors so you’re more emotionally prepared – it doesn’t really make it less painful but at least you’re sort of aware you’re going to experience the pain. Similar to when you wax yourself or tweeze your own eyebrows or pull a thorn out your foot. You know it’ll hurt but at least you *know* it’ll hurt. There’s not much of a shock factor.
Then there’s the kind where you wake up one morning and at 6:28am you’re on the phone to your mom hearing that you’ve lost someone you love. The kind where your whole world changes in an instant and there were no warning signs. The kind where you were planning on phoning that person later that day and now you can’t. You can’t send them a message, you can’t hear their voice again, you can’t send them a meme on Instagram, you can’t have them be alive anymore. They’re just gone. Before you’ve even gotten out of bed and had the chance to brush your teeth. They’re gone. There’s now just this gaping hole of absence in your heart now. The shock after an unexpected death was something I was not prepared for. I felt nauseous for a solid 24 hours. My hands were tingly, I sometimes forgot how to breathe.
The biggest thing that’s hit me is that I find myself being extremely angry (which is not an emotion I feel often) at Time. Time carried on, the world carried on moving, people’s lives continued – but I was still stuck in this state of sudden loss. It’s like time had the audacity to keep moving when one of my favourite people was no longer moving with it. I just sometimes get so irrationally frustrated that time hasn’t stood still. Time hasn’t stopped and been like “woah this life changing and shattering event happened, let’s give this person a second to catch their breath and let their brains catch up to their hearts”. But rationally, obviously not. Death happens every single day. It’s part of the human experience. And I’m not special in it unfortunately. I wish I was because I hate that there are so many multitudes of people grieving on a daily basis.
I just find myself wanting some acknowledgment from time that this event happened. Not only did I lose time with someone, but time is just going to keep moving. And I have to move with it. And somehow, with time and life moving on, I have to move on too. I have to process grief while working a 9 hour day. I have to process never getting a happy birthday phone call from someone while topping up my metro card. I have to process the fact that the last time I saw someone was truly the LAST time while I wait for my coffee order.
I think expected grief is “easier” (obviously no grief is ever really easy) to process – as I feel you start grieving the person before they are really gone. Unexpected grief is this moment where your life changes in an instant and you just have to somehow without warning find the space emotionally to start grieving. Both are difficult in their own ways and by no means am I discrediting expected grief. I just think at the end of the day it comes down to time again. You have more time with expected loss. Whereas time robs you of so much more with unexpected loss.
This isn’t a “tips and tricks” on how to deal with each grief. I personally believe grieving is such a personal and subjective experience that no one can really tell any one else how to handle it. I might do a separate post on how I handled it, but not in a “here’s how to” way. More like a “here’s how I” way. When I started this blog I wanted it to serve as a diary for me. However I don’t truly think I have utilised it all that well in that way. But it’s never too late to start.
If you relate to any of this, I am so sorry. If you don’t, I am genuinely glad you don’t – but don’t feel as if you cannot appreciate it. Grief is a universal experience – something we all will have to go through at some point or unfortunately many points in our lives. It might get easier, it might not. But at the end of the day you are still here, surviving despite it all. That is something to be thankful for in itself.
All the love,
Jay.
Just Jay 