2021 – I think I’m still trying to process this year to be honest, but here I am writing my year end post. This one might be a bit more raw than most, but that is a result of this year. This year stripped me completely bare emotionally and I feel it only right to portray that accurately.
To sum up this year, these are 5 words I would use:
- Uncomfortable
- Loss
- Growth
- Acceptance
- Forgiveness
uncomfortable
It has been a year of uncomfortableness. I went through a period where I didn’t like my circumstances, where I was uncomfortable every time someone asked what was going on in my life. I squirmed every time I went onto social media and saw my friends stories. I was not happy with where I was in life. This only changed 8 months into the year when I landed my first big girl job. I finally felt as if I was “catching up” (spoiler alert – there is no such thing as catching up in life. It’s all a hoax). Being a gifted child, this season was probably the most stretching I had to do internally. I was always known as the girl with the plan, the overachiever. Until I wasn’t. Until I had no plan. Until I wasn’t achieving anything. I look back now and am actually very grateful for being so uncomfortable. It led to asking myself WHY I was so. Why my external achievements meant so much to my self worth. Why I felt as if I was falling behind in life just because I wasn’t doing what majority of people my age were doing (e.g. travelling). Why I was placing my worth and value in something as small as employment.
I’m amazed at how God spoke to me during this season. How he assured me in so many ways that my worth when I was sitting on LinkedIn all day applying to jobs is the exact same as my worth now after my first promotion at work. I am just as worthy of love now as I was then. I am just as worthy of praise for just getting up and doing the things back then to now when I wake up for work. I am worthy even if all I did somedays was wake up. My external circumstances do not define or alter my internal worth. I take so much comfort in this now.
My external situation changed yes, but I can say that the internal fight in me is now over. And I was the winner. I now know that uncomfortable seasons lead to some much needed stretching and growth. It warms you up for what is to come. It is a time of preparation and self-awareness. It is not failure. It is not falling behind. It is not a comparative thing. Comparison really is the thief of joy in seasons like this. Focus on you and celebrate other’s victories. Yours is on its way – trust me.
Loss
Honestly, this is the main thing to come out of this year for me. I lost my Grandpa who was and is very dear to my heart. He was such a vital part of my childhood and even more so in my adult life.
Losing him was something I didn’t see coming and even though I had time to prepare for his departure, there is never enough time in situations like this. He was diagnosed with cancer in August and passed in September. It was a month of really difficult decisions and the visits got harder each time.
I will forever be grateful to my family and friends for providing the support I needed during this time. Also, thank you to the first person who ever made music because music was a vital part of my healing process.
Losing him was the first real and close loss I had ever experienced. To say I didn’t know what to do or feel is an understatement. I still think I don’t know exactly how to handle it. Unfortunately, when I think of 2021, this is probably the first thing that will pop into my mind because of the magnitude of the toll it took on me. It taught me a lot and shaped me in a way that I never expected. I appreciate the people in my life a whole lot more and prioritise my relationships over other things now. My advice from all this? Tell the people you love that you love them. I wish I had said it more.
growth & Acceptance
Grow I did. I look at who I was in January and I am so proud of who I am now. I am secure in myself, I know what I want for my future and I also know the steps I need to take to get there. I no longer compare my life with those around me and I am very happy on my own little journey here.
I’ve learnt that not everyone is going to show up for you. That’s okay. But I also learnt I need to stop expending energy on people who don’t return it. I’ve accepted that friends do come and go. That some are only there for seasons of your life. That sometimes you need to stop putting in all the effort trying to keep a friendship alive – friendship is a two way street.
I’ve also learnt to be more patient and kind to people. We are all fighting our own battles that not everyone knows about. A little kindness goes a long way.
I have learnt to accept that good things sometimes take time. And to be happy in the waiting. To be happy in the NOW. The future looks good sure, but the present is beautiful too.
FORGIVENESS
I didn’t see this one coming to be honest. I didn’t see myself forgiving as much as I did this year. And the person I had to forgive the most was myself.
I got super real with myself about my past mistakes, about my insecurities, about my body image issues, about my thoughts. I forgave myself for a lot. I finally had the talk with myself to not be sorry, but to do better. To actually learn from my mistakes. To actually forgive myself for my “shortcomings”. To forgive my body for the way I see it and talk to it in my mind. For loving it for what it has done for me this year – it has been healthy, it has allowed me to walk my farm 10 x over, it allowed me to travel and drink wine with my friends. It allowed me to stay alive. Thats huge.
I also forgave a lot of people I was holding a slight grudge towards. Life is honestly too short to hold unforgiveness in your heart. While I don’t necessarily want to continue having them in my life, I do forgive them and wish them well. And I feel like that’s okay. To forgive someone but not keep them in your life? It’s part of life. Sometimes to win, you have to lose.
and thats a wrap
This year my main goal was to heal my heart. To make sure my heart was happy. To make sure my soul was on fire again. To make sure I wanted to live life again.
My season of loss was a setback. It sent a dark cloud over my soul for a bit. But I can feel it getting lighter everyday.
Thank you to all the beautiful people in my life who have impacted me this year (you know who you are). I am beyond grateful for each and every one.
Special shout out to Taylor Swift for providing me with copious amounts of new and old (Taylor’s Version) music to listen to and lean on this year. Thank you Marvel for delivering content that was a beautiful escape from reality. Thank you MadFit for providing me with workouts that help keep me fit and sane.
Thank you Jesus for being a light in my life when all I felt was darkness. For holding my hand when I felt completely alone. For providing the perfect scriptures for my situation. For loving me in a way that I could tangibly feel throughout this whole year. For being my rock and foundation so that nothing could shake me completely. For sending certain people into my life just when I needed them.
I’d like to thank myself too. I really pulled through for myself this year. I did the work to make sure my heart was happy again. I just am really proud of myself and feel the need to put it down for everyone to see.
Here is to 2022. I have no expectations towards the new year – I just want to continue on the self journey 2021 kickstarted. I’m just hoping for more smiles so big my eyes look closed, more yellow and more happiness. The rest I’ll take on as it comes.
All the love,
Jay.
Just Jay 