I took the featured photo in 2018. I look extremely happy in it (granted I had just had ice cream so who wouldn’t be?). I remember being in a very unhappy place in my heart though. I was unhappy with my body. I was stressed about university, I was worried about a friendship of mine that had gone sour and I was anxious. About everything and anything.
Looking back, I can’t understand why I was so unhappy. I would pay to go back in time to that moment as life was so much ‘easier’ then. I would rather have the stress of university back than “adult” stresses such as jobs, comparison, timelines and all the fun stuff that comes with entering into the ‘real’ world. I had all my closest friends around me, I had a definite plan for the next year and I didn’t have to answer for much. My family were all healthy and well.
Now, life is so much more than I expected. I haven’t seen my best friend in 20 months. My other close friends are at least 4 hours away from me – majority of whom I haven’t seen in months. I wish I had the body I had then – which ultimately shows it wasn’t my body that was the issue (but that’s another topic for another day). I’ve had the stress of trying to find a job in a pandemic. I’ve had the stress of making major life decisions that impact a lot more than what module I take the next semester. I’ve had a huge family loss. I have never been more lost and confused about my future. I have never felt more alone at times.
Now, I am not saying the past is better. I am not saying the future is always bad or more scary. What I am saying – is maybe the present isn’t so bad? We all focus so much on where we are going we don’t really take time to appreciate where we ARE. Sure, your present situation might not be ideal (I am not trying to say that everyone’s present situation isn’t bad) – but will the future be all that you hope? Will the future really help erase the present? I don’t have these answers. What I do have is the idea that sometimes all we need is a little perspective. Most of the time, we only get perspective after the fact. But when I came across this photo and thought to myself, “Why was I so unhappy?” – it put things into perspective. I didn’t appreciate my present situation nearly as much as I should have. I did not make the most of it, I did not let myself learn from it. I did not expect to lose the people that were in my present therefore didn’t truly appreciate them in my life. I expected them to be in my future. All I did was focus on the future. Then the future came and I missed the present which was now the past.
What have I done with this new perspective? I have started to try and learn from my present. I have started to try be happy even if my present isn’t what I want my future to be. I have decided to look for the good and focus on it. I have decided to not let the bad drown me – yet simply come in waves and swim through it. I have decided to appreciate the people in my life more – I don’t know who will still be there in the future. I have decided that I am where I am. I need to physically, emotionally and mentally be HERE. Ultimately, what we envision for our future never comes to truth. Life happens. And it happens quickly. And we have no control over it.
So control what you can – which is your current life. Live it to the fullest you can. You owe your future self that much.
All the love, Jay.
Just Jay 